“When you come back
from going crazy
the return trip
is twice as far
and the world
you come back to
I remember back in 2010 a string of few months where everything went wrong. I remember not having a glimmer of hope and thinking that I would never get out of that. I also recall telling myself I would never feel so awful again. I took a mental snapshot of my state of mind and saved it in the archives for future resurrections, hoping and praying I wouldn’t need to.
Jump to four years later and give or take a few months, because I can’t remember the exact month. Because I didn’t want to remember. Because I tried so hard to forget.
This last week has been quite tidal. Actions have consequences and I suppose if by now I have not learnt to think before I leap, it’s probably too late. I’m afraid I have been reflecting over the previous year far too much. A friend congratulated me recently over a certain academic achievement and told me that 2014 is the year for me. Why I smirked and refused to accept that, most people will never know.
Another close friend experienced a very grave loss and I felt like I wasn’t able to comfort her quite right. The only thing that I have, my words, they aren’t coming out right. My words feel like strangers to me. You could say I’m beginning to feel incompetent in more than one way.
If you make decisions without considering the core aspect of your life, chances are you won’t be allowed to get anywhere. I like pushing unnecessary worries to the back of my mind. The rest of my head feels like a safe zone and I can comfortably get on with my day. Until the night comes.