Strange Things Are Happening

 

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“Looking around, do you see ruins? That was to be expected. He who lives in the world of words does not get along with things.”

-Sergei Dovlatov

The strangest things are happening.

I sit down to write and it feels like I’m doing this for the first time. I’m not too perturbed; this has happened before.

I try to occupy little space because I know what it does to others when I want too much. I try to be me and then I try to be another me from another time and place. The back and forth, the trial and error, the near impunity of knowing I can choose and yet that I’m bound in ways I’ll never be able to unravel completely – it’s all so strange, you know.

I think I admitted to myself a while back – and it was the most difficult thing in the world – that my unhappiness is not cause of my circumstances, it’s not what others do to me, it’s not about what I don’t have and what I continue to pine for, it is in fact something that I can’t escape from. I’m unhappy with me.

So no matter where I go, no matter the continents I cross, the places I go to seek knowledge or the ones I choose to give my love – I will take this box of unhappiness with me. It fell the other day and it cracked and spilled my unhappiness everywhere. I could not make sense of it. I was there and my unhappiness took a form, it hovered all around me, it settled before me and made me see that what I said had nothing to do with anyone but me.

It’s strange you know, realizing that you have to keep something like that inside you at all times. That it can suddenly surface and throw off all your carefully crafted plans. That you are inherently sad and it can’t ever be changed.

I walk by myself in the cold every day. I feel the chill settle onto the corners of my mouth and the tip of my nose. Sometimes the wind blows my hair to curl around my neck, the stranglehold of it is never subdued by how ticklish it feels. I’m still more afraid than sensitive to it. I often look at my feet and I see the arches my lover adores very much. How is it that I never looked at them the same way?

The point is that happiness is – as people and books might have already told you – a matter of choice and that we all walk around with in-built sadness. The fear of it showing up unannounced at 3AM is what unnerves me. I know all too well that to be happy I have always paid a price. I keep the invoices tucked away in a dark drawer in the recesses of my brain, and it’s strange how sometimes they all decide to come along and collect their dues at the exact same time.

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3 responses

  1. Something you said really resonated with me and it’s something I’ve had to work on for a while. Yes, happiness is a choice and it boils down to shifting one’s perspective.

    I did a few posts on this topic coming at it from different angles every time I felt I had a new breakthrough. It’s still a work in progress for me, but I’ve seen a lot of improvement in my way of thinking.

    Have a read, perhaps they can offer a token of encouragement. Be well…
    – Find your Happy Place: https://moylomenterprises.wordpress.com/2015/03/25/find-your-happy-place/
    – Feels like I’m Floating: https://moylomenterprises.wordpress.com/2015/01/29/feels-like-im-floating/
    – Finding Peace: https://moylomenterprises.wordpress.com/2015/01/16/inner-peace/
    – The Thirst: https://moylomenterprises.wordpress.com/2015/01/11/the-thirst/
    – Having faith… Perspective is key!: https://moylomenterprises.wordpress.com/2014/11/24/having-faithperspective-is-the-key/

    Like

  2. Good luck with your journey. That inherent sadness is part of it, I believe. Sylvia Plath described it perfectly in ‘The Bell Jar’ when she said “I knew I should be grateful to Mrs Guinea, only I couldn’t feel a thing. If Mrs Guinea had given me a ticket to Europe, or a round-the-world cruise, it wouldn’t have made one scrap of difference to me, because wherever I sat – on the deck of a ship or a street cafe in Paris or Bangkok – I would be sitting under the same glass bell jar, stewing in my own sour air.” Some of us feed off of our own sadness (I am one of them). When I say ‘feed’, I mean that we are our most creative at these times. I find it helpful to just be there with the feeling, acknowledge it, accept it, investigate it (where am I in physical pain) and then to practice non-identification. Keep creating….

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Hi
    I’m a new one here for comment. First of all I have to say that I’m very attracted to your writing.It’s very beautiful I know it inside. Because sometimes I’ve experienced exactly like you. Inside mind, it’s empty and perhaps sometimes it’s with me anywhere I go.Fortunately, I found the way to accept it.And I want you to know that you’re so special to have ability to notice what’s going on to yourself. And it’s not strange to see what happened. Most people don’t notice inside their mind,they just do what they usually do that looks more strange. What you called “the box of unhappiness with me” if you look to Dhamma’s teachings , it calls “Truly suffering” because of you have “you”(body+mind)in everywhere. I never believed in religious before but when someone that I very loved died ,I had suffered too much .Then I looked for the way to get rid of this painful.So I found it . And I want to share what amazing I found to you.

    Keep looking to yourself, what’s going on though it and you will see it’s changeable never be the same mind.

    Check more for info : http://www.dhamma.com/enaudio/

    http://hwcdn.libsyn.com/p/e/3/4/e34802b20d27810e/Knowing-Suffering-Novotel.mp3?c_id=8513127&expiration=1427738715&hwt=bf4a85c7243a3c1b692d6a283ea7cdd6

    Hope you free yourself soon…..it have to be “we”but you’re not necessary to be unhappy with it.

    Liked by 1 person

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