On Pretenses

How long has it been since I last wrote something here? For myself? Time is strange when you are trying to accomplish something. It takes away everything that once mattered and makes it seem as though all you’ve got is the hour, the minute, the second at hand but before you know it, it’s gone.
I daresay, this might be the longest I’ve been away from my blog and this might be one of the most productive periods of my life. That is not to say that writing kept me from achieving what I wanted, that writing was in the way somehow. But writing was there for me, when I had nothing else.
I woke up the other day from a dream that was right out of a page from Joan Didion’s Play It As It Lays, a book that I took a while to wrap my head around and when I finally did I thought about how fiction was never my forte, and it’s likely that it wasn’t Didion’s either. The scene that was in my dream was the one where Maria is at a party that she doesn’t want to be at and I’m unclear on the actual details in the book, but in my dream I am Maria and I’m also pregnant. The symbolism of this, I realize later, is that I feel a heaviness inside me that has nothing to do with carrying a child. Even the possibility of that – in my dream – made me want to die.
I am going to all of these places that I don’t particularly want to be at, I am dancing those dances and playing my part and I’ve convinced myself that I’m really happy. It wasn’t until a few days ago when I got back from a celebration that made me feel so good about myself that I realized I don’t feel good at all about this. That I am only happy because at this stage in my life, I’ve come close to everything that I planned to accomplish and therefore, the expectation is that I must be happy. So I am.
Starting a new chapter in my life has never been more intimidating. Making decisions that dictate long stretches of my future are giving me anxiety that I can barely contain. Finding my voice and my personality is not the same. I am a different person everyday. My pretenses have gone a little too far and I am not sure there’s any path that will lead me back to who I used to be. Which begs the question, do I want to go back at all anymore?


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