“You know what I’d like to be? I mean if I had my goddam choice?”
-J. D. Salinger, The Catcher in The Rye
I’m taking a moment out today to talk to myself and remember just how good it feels when the words on the screen appearing in short bursts and sometimes delayed clicks are mine and they’re speaking to me in my own goddam voice. It’s been a good weekend. It’s been a good two weeks, except for that one day. There’s always that one day. Lately, I’ve kept it in check and I daresay I’m probably going to reduce the recurring nature of those thoughts pretty soon.
I experienced the season of fall and it is everything they said it’d be. They? The government, of course. (The God of Small Things reference, anyone?) Life does start all over again when it gets crisp in fall. For me, it feels like coming full circle and realizing that I’m still me, I’m still happy and a year later exactly where I want to be. Substantial things are falling into my lap and I’m grateful, as grateful as I can be. Almost a year later, I see some sort of a goal I can work towards, the means to guide me there and an inherent sense of confidence that I will be able to, hell I was made to do it.
I spoke about my dream life the other day and I expressed what would be my dream job. I think about it more than usual lately. I feel like as much as I hated the idea of “attracting what you think” I am subconsciously doing just that. I have fallen into a mechanical routine. Sometimes two whole days have gone by and I don’t remember how. I don’t sleep very much but thankfully it is out of choice. My goddam choice.
The signal turns green. I cross the street. Sometimes I run. I see Larry in the morning. Larry, who helps kids and sometimes older persons to cross the street. Larry, who always has a smile on his face that I’m beginning to wonder may actually be genuine. On most mornings I see a guy at the bus stop who has the biggest e-cigarette anyone could ever possibly need which also means he blows out the biggest cloud of smoke and I can easily tell which flavour. Most often, candy. I get on the bus and we start moving. I am lucky to have all of these experiences and be so aware of them.
After all this time, I’m coming around to being me.