Tag Archives: nothing

Worthlessness and What If’s

Spoiler: Do not read this if you’re an inherent pessimist, extremely hard on yourself, just lost your job or had a cataclysmic event destroy your self-esteem. I am warning you, it’s only going to make you feel worse.

I’m not here to please you or rub my hands all over your face, trying to wipe away the unfair trials of this world we live in. Sorry. Unfortunately, that’s not how things work. I’ve been told that I have a way of making people feel like ‘shit’ about themselves. People don’t understand that I can apply the same thing to myself too.

Do you remember the time when you decided to do something and someone marked you beforehand and told you that you just couldn’t? No? Okay, let me dig in and give you a real life example.

I was on vacation with my cousins at a hill station. It’s fair to mention I was in my smart-mouth, rebellious, adolescent phase. It was a mild afternoon and as the adults chose to settle for an afternoon reverie, youngsters decided to play under the sun instead.

I remember going up to my three cousin brothers and asking them if I could join in while they set the stumps to play a game of cricket. I remember them exchanging glances and staring at me funny. I remember not being amused at all. Finally, one of them spoke up and here’s what he told me, “You can’t play cricket with us. You’re a girl.”

I guess I stomped away from there. My reaction’s not the point to be studied here. Analyzing what I should or shouldn’t have done doesn’t make much sense. Besides, I would’ve been wrestling with someone far too little (in terms of intelligence) if I decided to start a fight. Even then I knew his logic was faulty and quite skewed. He wasn’t stating a fact, nor was he giving an ultimatum of sorts. He was just telling me without any kind of perfect knowledge about my capabilities that I couldn’t play cricket. That’s what hurt.

How often do you pin up your hopes on something and find yourself grappling at absolutely Nothing? Not even a few straws to play around with. Do you actively make Plans and follow The Steps To Sure-shot Returns but end up with a stark, glaring….Nothing. Just a void of absolute nothingness. Does it happen to you over and over, and over? Are you someone who does a test and ends up scoring something which says “above average” and when you convince yourself that that probably isn’t so bad but then you look around and see another hundred people at the same spot? Above average, my foot.

Maybe none of those things sound too bad to you. Maybe, you’re someone who doesn’t mind blending in. But what if you were someone who wasn’t cut out to just fade into darkness after the end of a play. What if you wanted to be the play-writer and wanted to be called back on stage for a round of applause, while everyone else scurried backstage, packing their things, ready to leave. Roles merely rehearsed and performed, no absolute originality in that, I suppose.

What if you knew deep down you were meant for greatness? But greatness seemed to find some kind of aversion towards you. Wouldn’t that suck?

Lily of the Valley, because it signifies the return of happiness at the same time it's highly poisonous.

Lily of the Valley.
Because it signifies the return of happiness but at the same time is highly poisonous.

Life isn’t fair. Everyone says that at the onset of Monday morning and ends up cursing it by the end of Saturday evening. Then enter the Optimists, “Hello! Everyone gets Sundays! Life may be unfair, but it’s unfair like that for everyone.” Picture this, you’re having a horrible time on Saturday evening and someone brutally took away your Sunday too. Is life still equally unfair? I’m afraid not.

Give and take a few rejections and we can all end up feeling pretty worthless. Come what may, there’s no shortcut to avoid it. You can’t be “excellent”, until you aren’t “above average”. And I’m not going to end this post on a happy note telling you to be hopeful and diligent, like that’s going to help you. I’m going to tell you that for the most part of your life you’ll feel worthless. Deal with it. If you deny that, I wonder who you’re trying to woo with your lies. Definitely not me, cause I’m taken.

Nothing That Isn’t New

Finding is losing something else.
I think about, perhaps even mourn,
what I lost to find this.
-Richard Brautigan

The way the curtain blows with the wind tonight. All those rusty sounds it makes. I won’t tell you how much it makes my insides ache. I won’t tell you how long I’ve waited for this or if I’ve waited at all. And when the time comes to broach the elephant in the room, I’ll pretend that it was all a matter of nothing new. No thing that isn’t new.

When the smell of an old book overwhelms me I won’t tell you how I think about a fireplace with honeysuckle wood. There are shadows everywhere. The lamp in my room makes disturbing images on the walls, I won’t tell you how it petrifies me. Because let’s be real, it doesn’t. I’m too proud for that and anyway you’re not here. You’re my best friend and you’re not here. Just so you know, that isn’t right.

I don’t know why it’s so easy to fall in love but so difficult to just be friends. Is it so complicated to pursue someone with the sole objective of winning them over, for a considerable amount of time, only to offer no romance or sex in return? But tell me you wouldn’t want that. I dare you.

So while we all pretend to be really afraid of getting into so-called compromising friendships, we can go about doing every reckless thing in the world to get someone to romantically adore us. Also, enlighten me as to how many people must you successfully move on with and what exactly are you trying to validate anyway. The debauchery of getting more and more people to like you, is the conquest of getting no one to actually like the real you.

So I think these thoughts.

I spot my favourite colour. My watch stops working. I have a headache. I witness my birthday end. What I mean is, I think these thoughts all the time, it’s not healthy but that’s nothing new.