The year is coming to an end and I have things to say.
It’s not fair that any kind of real life advancements that I may have come at the expense of my blog. I would like to change that in the coming year because time and again I’ve valued how much of a catharsis this has been right here. Always.
I miss people more than I thought I would and what hurts is that I know not when I can see them again. I am constantly seeing through the new people I meet. They’re all the same. I’ve always met them before. I don’t think I’m an introvert but the lack of interesting people around me forces me to retreat and find comfort in my thoughts.
The year is ending and I’m coming full circle. Last year at this time I was on a very different high. I was getting Freshly Pressed and attention on this blog was at an all-time high. I was moving to a country I dreamed about living in every single day for the last two years. I was swept into a life I knew I wanted and everything about my existence up to this point paled in comparison.
I got everything I desired and it wasn’t enough for me.
I spent a big part of this year realizing that my inherent reluctance towards embracing happiness in the little ways it knocks at my door is not something I can do away with. It’ll go with me like an anchor around my foot. I know not under which ocean does the key to it lie and to be honest I’m not going to dive in order to find it. Especially because I don’t know how to swim.
It’s December and I like this month and there’s snow on my blog and there are shimmery lights in the populated parts of the city I live in and I am here and I feel loved.
The year is coming to a close and I’m feeling like a soft blanket has been wrapped around me and I’m safe and ready for the year to come.
“A man takes his sadness down to the river and throws it in the river but then he’s still left with the river. A man takes his sadness and throws it away but then he’s still left with his hands.”
The one who didn’t treat your body right. You assumed they’d do something interesting with it. You didn’t know what.
You hoped they would find out and let you know. You waited endlessly and Time started leaving your side without a warning notice.There was a vacant look in your eye when you’ll were together. You were dreaming of coral reefs under an ocean. You were hoping for something different that you didn’t already know. For fear of losing everything you decided to hold on to at least something.
It wasn’t that you were weak. You were too stubborn to let go of what you thought (or assumed) you had rightful claim upon. Time caught up, finally. You wake up one day and the air seems heavy with the past. You look around, you have a sudden sense of emergency, of an hourglass flipped over, of the platform moving away as the train moved forward. You run like you’ve never run before. Cars and cafes pass in a blur. And you can see the bokeh from the corner of the eye. Like the ones you saw in those tumblr pictures. You think of a movie where people run towards their destiny. You avoid thinking of those that run away from theirs. You have a hand cupped around something invisible. It’s strange you can’t shake it off. But you try not to think of such conundrums. You run till you can run no more and suddenly you wake up. There’s a slight buzzing in your head. You’re in a stranger’s washroom filled with beauty products which one only buys but never intends to use. You look at your face and try to spot any changes. But you’re still the same. And your hands, they are still urging for that invisible form, so you look down at your palms. You wash them, repeatedly. You scrub them. How were you going to wash something invisible away, you will ask later. You will justify to yourself you were being paranoid. Fair enough.
You look at the mirror one more time, not knowing what to find there. It isn’t too difficult to lose yourself once you’ve lost everything else that matters. But you know in your head, you ran. You ran far away and there’s a place you’ve carved for yourself. Your very own wonderland and you can rest there. In moments of worry, you can shut your eyes and go there and come back when you please. Just make sure you wash your hands clean.