Finding is losing something else.
I think about, perhaps even mourn,
what I lost to find this.
-Richard Brautigan
The way the curtain blows with the wind tonight. All those rusty sounds it makes. I won’t tell you how much it makes my insides ache. I won’t tell you how long I’ve waited for this or if I’ve waited at all. And when the time comes to broach the elephant in the room, I’ll pretend that it was all a matter of nothing new. No thing that isn’t new.
When the smell of an old book overwhelms me I won’t tell you how I think about a fireplace with honeysuckle wood. There are shadows everywhere. The lamp in my room makes disturbing images on the walls, I won’t tell you how it petrifies me. Because let’s be real, it doesn’t. I’m too proud for that and anyway you’re not here. You’re my best friend and you’re not here. Just so you know, that isn’t right.
I don’t know why it’s so easy to fall in love but so difficult to just be friends. Is it so complicated to pursue someone with the sole objective of winning them over, for a considerable amount of time, only to offer no romance or sex in return? But tell me you wouldn’t want that. I dare you.
So while we all pretend to be really afraid of getting into so-called compromising friendships, we can go about doing every reckless thing in the world to get someone to romantically adore us. Also, enlighten me as to how many people must you successfully move on with and what exactly are you trying to validate anyway. The debauchery of getting more and more people to like you, is the conquest of getting no one to actually like the real you.
So I think these thoughts.
I spot my favourite colour. My watch stops working. I have a headache. I witness my birthday end. What I mean is, I think these thoughts all the time, it’s not healthy but that’s nothing new.
Sloppy Etymology 
“When the smell of an old book overwhelms me…” Amazing how memories and emotions can flow from the scent of an old book. Me, as a self-confessed, bibliophile know all too well about books and memories. Used to work in a library for about 7 years and it was like working with my best friends, they were quiet yet said it all.
“You’re my best friend and you’re not here. Just so you know, that isn’t right.” From experience I learned that best friends often makes the worst lovers, and the other way around also. Trying to stay friends after a relationship ends is probably the worst kind of torture you can give your soul. Been there, done that, decided a clean break is the best break of all. No more wondering ‘what if?’ or no more over-thinking everything he’s/she’s not doing anymore. ‘Where is he/she?’ … ‘What is he/she doing and who with?’ … nope… too much heartache.
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It really makes me happy to imagine you working at a library for that long. It could be the most comforting and overwhelming workplace ever. It makes me want to smile and visit a library right away.
“Best friends often make the worst lovers and the other way around also.” I couldn’t agree more. Though when a relationship ends I’ve found myself not getting back in any way to that person. Especially not friendship. Although there’s a really wonderful person in my life right now and I am holding on tightly with both hands. Once you find someone so perfectly matched it’s hard to look back and see any of those past experiences and feel the same way, not anymore anyway.
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Glad to hear you found somebody so special to you! Enjoy it every second you’re together. And yes, only when you found someone like that, the past seems to be something trivial. Smiling here hearing that special people like yours still exist! :D)
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